All We Have
by live.die.be
Summary: "'I don't love you,' she says, and the cold, hardness of her voice surprises her." Sakura, Naruto, and slowly mending broken hearts even when they still belong to someone else.


**Disclaimer- **_I don't own Naruto._

**Author's Note- **_First Naruto fic __**ever**__. Sort of a weird one. Well, for __**me **__it's definitely weird. It's, like, __**het**__. That's abnormal for me. I write yaoi/shounen-ai/slash normally, but this is sort of an experiment. I wanted to write a story that was sympathetic to Sakura, because I really like her character and so many people tend to bash her. _

_This has been beta'd by __Shaded Silvering Grey__, who is all things good in the world. This would be a total mess without her, and even weirder and more nonsensical than it is._

_Soo... This is an odd story, but I hope you enjoy it, and please review! I need to know how my first attempt at het and a Naruto story went. Really. I **need** some feedback on this weirdness._

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**All We Have**

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What starts it is coming back from the Sound.

Coming back from the rescue mission that didn't end with them rescuing anyone, but instead left a teenage-boy sized hole in each of their hearts once again, as the memory of just who it was they wanted to bring home with them was brought into startling clarity.

The faded memory of _him _was nothing like the real thing, not even close to the real person, and the memory is refreshed now, after seeing _him _again. Like a new, crisp photograph in bright colors, fresh in their minds and burned into their eyes like the image of the sun.

They didn't do what they wanted to, didn't get to save him and bring him home, because -impossibly- he didn't _want _to be saved. Naruto didn't get to keep the promise that he made to Sakura years ago when he first left, and that the guilt of that weighs heavily on his mind, the knowledge that he'd let her down this time.

They might get another chance, but he still let her down, and he knows this because he saw the disappointment in her eyes as they went back to Konoha without him.

Yamato leaves them near the gates with Sai, and then Sai leaves them too, and they are alone (_Both of them are reminders of how much has changed in what feels like a short amount of time. The replacement just makes his absence seem all the more permanent and absolute_.)

Tonight, Naruto doesn't walk Sakura back to her home like he would have, had this been a normal, successful mission, had memories of himnot been lingering at the front of their minds. Neither of them want to be alone yet. There are skeletons in each of their closets that they're not yet ready to face on their own, and they stay together so they won't have to.

They climb up to the top of the Hokage Mountain to sit under the stars and just be together, away from all of the other people who would notice that hewasn't with them, and know that they had _failed_.

They sit under the moon and stare up at the sky, as they wonder what will happen next, and how they can keep living with broken hearts.

And it starts out innocently enough, arms wrapped tightly around each other because they both know that the other might fall apart into a million pieces without the support of warm arms.

Crying, coming from them both, quiet sobbing from Sakura and silent tears running down Naruto's face even as he brushes them away and tries to smile.

And a kiss, Naruto pressing his lips to Sakura's forehead in what he hopes is a comforting gesture, and he runs a soothing hand over her pink hair, trying to help her, and be strong even though he isn't quite sure how long he _can _stay strong and smile.

"You're not him," Sakura says, and Naruto smiles through the feeling of his ribcage crushing under the weight of responsibility to bring him back.

She takes a trembling breath, hands fisting in his orange jacket that reminds her of years ago when they were still team seven with the two of them, and Kakashi, and him.

In seeing her childhood love just _once_, she's lost all of the confidence she'd built up during the three years while she learned medicine from Tsunade, and she's once again the insecure little girl who believed wholeheartedly in fairytales and happily-ever-afters. "You're not him." Her voice breaks, and a fresh wave of tears runs down her face.

Naruto wants to apologize. He's not quite sure what to apologize for, but he wants to all the same. Like when he was little, and everywhere he turned people looked at him with suspicious, hard eyes, and he wanted to say sorry for something, to get people to smile at him just once, instead of glaring and pushing him aside.

The words slip out before he can stop them, "I'm sorry."

Sakura laughs bitterly through her tears and it comes out half-choked sounding. "Sorry for what?"

"For- for..." He trails off, and frowns, the expression making him look twice his age and more wise than she ever thought he could be.

There are countless ways to end that sentence, and he doesn't know which one to choose.

(_I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I couldn't bring him back. I'm sorry I can't make you stop crying. I'm sorry that I'm not who you really want. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_.)

But none of those put into words what he wants to say, so he doesn't say anything. He leans down, and it suddenly strikes Sakura just how much he's changed. That he's no longer the runt of the litter, no longer the little boy who played pranks because he just wanted people to see him. He's grown up during his three years away, gotten stronger, and taller, and more serious than he was before. He's lost the baby-fat on his cheeks, and the smile he that he wears as a mask and a shield against the hurt of people's glares is starting to crack around the edges. He's become someone she can depend on to always be there, and always keep his promises. (_Not like someone else_, her mind whispers, but she pushes the thought away.)

Sakura's racing thoughts are cut off as Naruto's lips meet hers. She tastes like salt from tears, and his cheeks are damp, his blue eyes gleaming like jewels as he tries not to shatter while she's watching him.

He pulls away first, breath coming unsteadily as he stares at her. "You're not him," he says, slowly, as a realization hits him, and the tears spill down his face, over the whisker-marks on his cheeks. (_You're not who I want, and I don't love you like I used to._)

Sakura shakes her head, and reaches for him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and she pulls his close, hugging him tight as she presses her face to the hollow at the base of his throat. She can feel something breaking inside of her, ripping apart, and distantly she wonders if it's her heart, or her soul, or maybe the last fragments of a little girl's childhood dream turning to dust.

She tilts her head up, and this time she kisses him, tastes the salt of tears on her tongue and holds him close. "You're not him," she whispers against his lips and she can feel his shoulders trembling. (_I still don't love you that way, and I'm so sorry._)

He shudders, wraps arms around her waist and rests his chin on the top of her head, because he's tall enough to now, and he's grown enough that he can shelter her from a storm, but the storm that's coming isn't one that anyone can hide from. "You're not him," Naruto says with the type of calm and composure that's on the edge of breaking into hysterics.

She shakes her head again, curls her hands into fists so that she can't feel them shaking, and she says so softly that it almost goes unheard, "No, I'm not." ("_But that's okay, right?_" goes unspoken but they both hear it as clear as if it had been shouted out loud.)

"Yes." Just one word, spoken through tears running even faster than they were, and Naruto's voice is quieter than he's spoken before, more serious, more honest than the too-wide grins and constant, forced cheer.

Just one word, and it's enough, even though it makes Sakura's heart feel like it's breaking.

He turns his head down, kisses her again, and she kisses back, needing this right now. Needing something to ground her and make her feel like she's stable and _whole _even though she knows that she's cracking.

She pulls away, and looks up - she's momentarily surprised that she needs to look up at all because she used to be able to look down on him -literally and figuratively- but dismisses the thought like she dismissed all the other ones about how much Naruto had changed.

"I don't love you," she says, and the cold, hardness of her voice surprises her. (In her head, she adds, _not like that, _but doesn't say it out loud because she knows that Naruto knows exactly what she means.)

Naruto smiles, but it breaks, old unhappiness and betrayal left over from his childhood as a social pariah showing through the cracks, shining in his eyes. "I'm not him." (_But sometimes I wish I was, so we could both be happy, together_.)

Sakura laughs, harsh and sharp like a knife. "No, you're not." (_Would you even want to be?_)

He nods once, the frown still there along with the tears. "I don't love you." (_But I __**do**__, like a friend, like a little sister but not like I love __**him**__,_ he thinks and knows that Sakura can see the words in his eyes as she sobs.)

She kisses him again, her lips warm and soft while the kiss is rough and cold, empty of the love and emotion that kisses should be full of. Their minds are both on someone else, on someone whose heart is too full with bitterness, loss, and a need for revenge that he has no room to care about anything else, not even the people who love him the most.

"I don't love you," Sakura says again, and she's not quite sure who she's trying to convince when she says it. (_I wish that I did, because then I could forget about him, and I wouldn't need to hurt you as much as I am_.)

There is sadness in Naruto's eyes, and she knows that he's suffered so much more than her throughout his life, hated because of things he couldn't even control, and she doesn't know how he can still live, let alone smile. If this is what having one person turn away feels like, Sakura can't imagine how it would feel for everyone to ignore you like they did when Naruto was young.

"You're not him," he says, presses his forehead to hers, blue eyes meeting leaf-green. "But that's okay."

She shuts her eyes because she can't stand to see the lost look in his eyes, or the hurt that she knows he's feeling.

"I'm sorry," Sakura whispers, feels him tremble and feels as tears run down his face. She knows that it's not nearly enough just to apologize, knows that they can't fix this on their own, not when they're not who the other one wants.

Naruto closes his eyes, keeps his arms around Sakura and holds her. His breath is shaky and he's not sure how long he can last without breaking. "I'm sorry too," he whispers into her hair, inhales the sweet, feminine scent that is somehow _wrong_, because it should be masculine and spicy, the body in his arms taller and leaner, less soft and curvy.

"I'm not who you want," he says, voice carefully empty of emotion, of accusation, and it's not a question because he already knows the answer.

He can feel her shake her head once, feels her arms tightening around him.

She doesn't look at him when she speaks, "I'm sorry," she says in a rush, "I'm not him."

He sighs heavily, like the weight on the world is on his shoulders, and gently runs a hand over her hair. "That's okay."

She exhales, and it's more of a sob than a breath. "I'm sorry."

(_I'm sorry for never seeing you when we were children. I'm sorry for all the mean things I've said to you. I'm sorry for making you bring him back because I'm not strong enough to do it myself. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._)

(_I'm sorry for not being the one you want. I'm sorry I don't love you that way_, they both think, and they both keep hold of the other to stay grounded and keep from breaking apart.)

"We'll bring him back," Naruto says, and they both ignore how unconvincing he sounds now that he's not so sure if they really can.

"And what happens then?" Sakura asks quietly. (Because when he's back, things will change one way or another, and hewill only choose one of them, or he might not choose at all.)

"We'll-" His voice breaks, and he pauses for a moment to gather himself. "We'll pick up the pieces," he says, shakily because he doesn't know if bringing him home will change anything for the better, or if it will rip everything apart. "And we'll put him back together."

"And if we can't?" Sakura asks in barely a whisper, doesn't know if she should ask or if that's something that shouldn't be talked about because the distinct possibility of that happening was all too real even without it being spoken about.

Naruto freezes for a second, and raises a hand to press against her cheek. He doesn't speak for a long moment, and in the silence he presses a kiss to the top of her head. "Then we'll start over. Just you and me, together."

It's not the answer that she wants to hear. She wants to know that things will work out for the better and that they'll all be happy back home again, with him.

But Naruto knows this, knows that right now she doesn't _want _the truth, but he knows that the truth is what she _needs _to hear, and he murmurs, "I'm sorry."

She tilts her head back, to see his eyes and the years that he's aged while she wasn't there. She smiles, just a tiny, teary smile, but one that's sincere and _real_. "It's okay," she says honestly.

Her smile widens, and Naruto can't help smiling back at her tentatively. She grins, still sad but more hopeful than she's felt for a long time. She laughs softly, feeling optimistic despite everything that's happened, and everything that will happen. She presses a kiss to his lips, and it feels _right_. She takes a breath, and this time she doesn't sob on the exhale. She bites her lip, and nods at him as he nods back, making a silent pact.

(_We'll bring him back. We __**will**__. You'll see._)

"Everything will be okay."

(_Even if we can't have him, even if we can't bring him home to be with us. Because even if I don't love you like that, and even if I'm not who you want, we will __**always **__be there for each other.)_

**-Owari-**_  
_


End file.
